don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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