so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Houston, we have a squirter
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
