Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
