Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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