Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
