1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
