It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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