The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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