Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
