Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize
