i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
