he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
