I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
