why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
