apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
