just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
