I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize