I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
