Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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