i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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