Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
