Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
