I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
