You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Buhtt sex?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize