Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
