this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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