life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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