My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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