Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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