i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
