I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
