Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
