you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize