Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize