I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
