I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Come see our sink grown plant.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
