I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
