I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
