i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
