at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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