Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
