May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We need to rekindle our bromance
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
