The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
