That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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