Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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