Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
