My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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