i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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