Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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