Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
