Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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