i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
