there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
