I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
