**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize