Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
