Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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