To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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