How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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