I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
