Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
