It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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