They should really pass out barf bags in church
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Randomize
