Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
