I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize